18th May, 2025
Listening To: Fill You Up by Dead Sea Empire
Mood: alone and reflective
Time: 3:23 AM
TW: SA IMPLICATIONS
At lot has happened these past few days. I have felt very alone in it all so I am going to talk into a gothic cyber-void to feel at least a little better and maybe less alone.
For starters, my lover of four years and I have seperated. Not traditionally, but a seperation nonetheless. Its a seperation until he wants to come back. His own words. This whole experience does hurt like absolute hell, but I guess it's just a part of being a romantic. A young one too?
I don't necessarily feel strongly about it all. I know whatever happens will happen. Its mostly grief that runs through me, as well as my fears for the future. You see, before I met him, my dating life was super super terrible. If I wasn't hooking up with the wrong people, I was in relationships where I didn't feel anything for the person I was dating and would end up ghosting them which is a super shitty thing to do I know. He was the first person I had such a powerful connection with and feelings for. If I wasn't his boyfriend, I most definitely wanted to be his best friend. It provided me with a different look on love. I was truly starting to feel super nihilistic about it and believed that I wouldn't be worth more than my body.
With all this said, I'm worried I might go back to a similar place if he does come back and decides to truly end it. I'm worried about getting in with the wrong crowds again and end up almost fucking up my life all over again. Additionlly, everything reminds me of him. I can't seem to truly escape him. I've tried talking about this with one of my closest friends, but all he kept saying was that he will come back, and that I shouldn;t worry about any of this. I know he meant well, but that is so not reassuring. It doesn't help with the now. With the weeks of waiting. Months. Years. Who knows...
I have been watching dramatic gay films to cope. Tonight I watched "Happy Together". I absolutely bawled my eyes out. It follows to men from Hong Kong who move to Argentina together, but keep seperating. One of them keeps making excuses to leave the other, and the other is left devastated and hurt as he watches the one who left be with other men. They eventually get back together, but seperate again, and it's a never ending cycle of hurt. Was noooooot the film I needed to be watching right now given my circumstances but still--it provided a twisted sense of comfort. Seeing their emotions and struggles on screen felt like my heart was held for a little. Y'know?
In summary, I'm feeling very alone in my emotions, but a small part of me knows theres way to feel better. Even if it is just for a moment...
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14th May, 2025
Listening To: You should've left me to die by Puppet-P
Mood: melancholy
Time: 12:19 AM
Oh boy...
Today was rough. Spent it rotting away in bed. Crying and tired. I have been trying to change my mindset and the way I feel about all of these things that are happening and the things I feel but it feels so temporary. Like I will be fine for a few days...a week maybe...and I'll go right back to the same feeling. Like I need a cigarette and a lobotomy PLEASE.
I texted him today. I knew I shouldn't have. It was very brief. Three sentences.
"I miss you. I hope you're doing okay."
"I hope you're doing okay too."
He didn't say he missed me. It stung a little. It feels like every conversation we had been having these past couple months have had their little stings.
He's asleep right now but I sent him a text implying I wanted to ask him something. If he responses, I am going to ask him if we are breaking up.
I want to ask this for many reasons. One, I don't want to keep holding my breath for something thats not coming back. I feel as if my body wants to mourn and grieve what we had rather than sit in this torterous limbo. Though if he says we are not through, I will dedicate to that limbo. Secondly, he is posting things that I have been admiring. Shirtless selfies in the mirror. The new Chinese tea leaves he ordered. Books hes reading. Places hes seeing. Music he's listening to. I want to admire them as his lover -- as someone who is intimately intertwined with him and his soul and sees him as nothing less than an angel. A Renaissance painting. If that is not the way I should be thinking, then I will admire it as art from afar.
I tried calling my friends today. Asking if any of them wanted to hang out. No one was available. No one has been available. Its not like I wanted to cry and complain with them, I really did just want their company. I really do want to feel less alone.
All day I laid in the void of my room, not even necessarily on my phone. I was sitting in the deafening silence, my body feeling ever so hollow and dead. I couldn't escape the lonely space that surrounded me and it felt suffocating.
I really want to know if I should stay alone. If I should stop pursuing people and stealing people's time. If its better for everyone around me and who could meet me if I was just forever isolated.
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13th May, 2025
Listening To: Winds Change by Orville Peck
Mood: hopeless depressed romantic
Time: 6:11 AM
First diary entryyyy
I promise you this is not as exciting as you might think it out to be. I am a twenty year old who didn't get to express teenage angst so this is kinda what this is. All kidding aside I'm really glad that I am exploring this part of myself again. A thing you might need to know is that I grew up a "gifted" child, and there were a lot of academic standards set for me. This meant that I spent most of my time writing essays then poems or stories or such. With the way my life is going right now and the state of the world in general, thought it would be nice to spend these emotionally chaotic moments writing.
Anyways, things going on in life right now. For me, I am out of college for the summer. I recently went to Ukraine to visit my boyfriend and undergo an internship I had there. This was a very very pricey trip so I am still trying to financially recover. It is hard though when I have a financially unstable mother who steals from me... so yes, trying to get more work hours. On top of this, I recently got into an accident (I'm fine) and my entire left side of my vehicle has a big slice through it. Its driveable, but I am worried about rust.
Biggest thing happening right now is that my aforementioned boyfriend is possibly breaking up with me. You know how those boyfriends are when they are like "I just need time to work on myself"? I do want to trust that thats what hes doing. But reasonably, I do worry. I have asked him directly if he had interest in someone else, and that I wouldn't be mad if he told the truth now. He said he didn't have interest in anyone else. I don't know what to believe.
I would be lying if I said I didn't miss him soulfully. We have been together for almost four years and he has been my biggest supporter through everything. But I also understand if things are hard, as I know I have been emotionally unstable for quite some time. Its been scary for me. I can only imagine what it is like for him.
I find myself laying awake at night, hoping that he will come back. These nights, I find myself folded inbetween sheets and pillows, as if my body is trying to reach for warmth that even slightly resembles him. I talk to my wall, knowing he cannot hear but knowing that I'm saying what rests in my aching heart. How my day was. What I ate. How much I miss him. I hold myself and pretend its him, as I drift into my dreams, where he is waiting for me.
Isn't that sad? I wish I was joking about my yearning y'all. And tbh, Orville Peck "Pony" album is perfect for these feelings < / 3.